Why am I extremely grateful for the how of this incident? They didn’t take my phone from my hand and I could call for help. My boyfriend was on the phone when it happened, able to hear partially, and I knew that someone knew something was wrong and he’d be there soon. I’m alive and untouched. I didn’t have my personal computer with me that day because it was accidentally locked in an office when I needed to leave. My car and credit cards were returned to me. My car was not damaged.
What I lost that I didn’t know how to get back? My sense of safety in my neighborhood…
I believe effects of trauma can only be healed by the Lord. Some sidekicks to trauma are fear, bitterness, and rage.
One way we know that trauma has weakened in impact on us is when we don’t feel some of it’s negative side effects of fear, bitterness or rage.
When I got car-jacked, I was very calm in the moment. Afterwards, I wrote a beautiful blog (I’m told). Then after THAT, fear struck me every time I would drive down my block. I was scared to park at night. As much as I didn’t want to, I caught myself questioning young black teenage boys around me, wondering if they too were capable of doing the same thing.
I wrote a blog post to combat fear, negativity, and stereotypes, but trauma was still present and seemed to make it’s place in me, impacting my soul in a way that I knew only God could deal with.
On Sunday, I was at a church in which their pastor asked us to take 2 minutes to hear from God. The Lord brought people to mind that He has blessed me with in this season and it filled me with gratitude almost to the point of tears, then he took me in my imagination to the spot beside my car where I was held up.
It was like I was back in my body in that moment and in the moments after when I have sought to park my car peacefully, and I saw angels surrounding me. He said, “I’m always holding your hand.” He also showed me that I live surrounded by angels. It was as if I could picture multiple angels surround me in a circle, at least 2.5 times as tall as me in translucent gold robes. It was like a presence of a constant iridescent waterfall and I was inside it. And He reminded me that I’m never alone. In addition to having angelic presence everywhere I go, He promised that I am found in Him – the Lord – and kept by Him. “And even in the moments in life where some other external factor may seem to have more control over you or your belongings, your Spirit is hidden in me, and it cannot be touched, and that is the most real part of you.” It’s the part that lasts into eternity. It’s the part that can never be shaken. It’s the part where life flows from for me and my physical body.
He promised that my Spirit could not be damaged or harmed. And I felt confident, proud, and secure. Next, an experience of deep peace followed, and I wondered if that was the moment I was waiting for to combat the fear that had been so prevalent.
My friend had recently told me – “getting through this will be like any other healing; you have to test it out.” (testing out a physical healing is: immediately trying to gently do something that you couldn’t do before after praying for healing in a body part or checking your body to see if pain feels lessened after praying for pain to leave).
So, the next night, God gave me an opportunity to “test out” if I had received some healing from the trauma (as manifested by fear). When driving home to park, I saw the exact same spot where I was car jacked. I stopped and backed up to park in it. I scooted back and forth and back and forth like 13 times to parallel park, just like the night I got car jacked. I reached into the floor of my back seat to grab my lunch bag, just like that night.
Only this time I looked all around.
And this time, I practiced caution.
And this time, I was cautious AND unafraid– unlike every time I have entered my home at night since that day.
And I realized that the vision I had on Sunday wasn’t just an imaginative thought; it was an encounter with God, that He used to deal with the effects of trauma – my fear. The day the vision came, it felt like a nice and kind thought. The next day, the fear was gone. It was way more than my imagination seeing angels; God did something for me.
Fear revealed itself again yesterday, in another form, so I see I need a bit more healing still. I’ll journey on.
This post is for someone like me, who needs to know that God can meet you in your mind and in your heart, and it can actually be a healing touch from Him for an area that feels completely overwhelming. He is able to restore all things – including your feeling of peace, safety, confidence and hope.